A reader writes:
My wife Pearl passed in March after a short illness. We were married forty-three years. We built this house together in the 1990s, four bedrooms, because we had four children and she always wanted a room for guests too. The children are grown and gone, two abroad, two in Kingston. Now it is only me.
The house is too big. I know that. I live in three rooms: the kitchen, the bedroom and the verandah. The others I keep shut. The yard is a lot of work and my back is not what it was. The light bill is the same as when there were six of us. At night the place creaks and I lie awake listening.
My eldest daughter wants me to sell and move into a small apartment near her. She says it would be safer and I would not be so alone. My son in Atlanta says I must never sell, that this is the family house and “Mummy would want it kept”. My youngest just says, “Whatever you want, Daddy,” which does not help me because I don’t know what I want.
Some days I think I should go, because every corner reminds me of her. Her slippers are still by the back door. I cannot move them. Other days I think leaving would be like leaving her. I am sixty-eight. I am healthy enough. I go to church. But I have never made a big decision without Pearl in forty-three years, and I am frightened of getting this wrong. What should I do?
— Mr D.W., Mandeville
Our response
Dear Mr W., we are so sorry for the loss of Pearl. Forty-three years is a whole life shared, and it is no surprise that the house feels both too full of her and too empty without her. There is no shame in not knowing what you want yet. Grief makes every decision harder, and this is one of the biggest.
You do not have to decide now
Many people who have been bereaved are advised to avoid major, hard-to-reverse decisions for a while, often around a year, unless something forces the issue. Six months is still very early. Unless money or safety is pressing, it is reasonable to tell your children, kindly and firmly, that you will not decide until you have had more time. That alone may take some pressure off.
Questions to sit with
- On an ordinary day, what do I enjoy about living here, apart from the memories?
- Can I realistically keep up the house and yard for the next five or ten years, with help?
- Who are my friends and neighbours here, and what would I lose by leaving them?
- If I moved near my daughter, would I have a life of my own there: a church, people my age, things to do?
- Am I thinking of leaving to be closer to family, or to get away from grief? The first may be a good reason; the second often travels with us.
Options in between
It is not only “stay” or “sell”. Some families look at middle paths:
- Staying, but getting regular help with the yard and heavier jobs.
- Having a trusted relative, a student or a lodger live in part of the house, for company and some income, with a clear written arrangement.
- Spending a few weeks with your daughter first, to see how life near her really feels, before selling anything.
- If you do sell, considering a smaller place in the same town, so you keep your church and friends.
Practical steps now
Whatever you decide, a few things are worth doing. Make sure the house’s title and Pearl’s estate have been properly dealt with; an attorney-at-law can advise on what is needed. Review your own will. If you are considering a sale, a local valuer or reputable agent can tell you roughly what the house might fetch, which helps you weigh options without committing to anything. And look after the house’s safety for you as you are now: good lighting, grab rails if needed, a phone within reach, and a neighbour who knows to check in.
About your children
Each of your children is grieving too, and their suggestions probably say as much about their own loss as about your needs. Your son may be holding on to his mother through the house; your daughter may be frightened for you. It could help to gather them, even by video call, and tell them you are listening to all of them but that the decision will be yours. You are still the head of this family.
Finally, about the slippers. You do not have to move them until you are ready. Honouring Pearl is not about keeping every room as it was, or leaving; it is about carrying her love forward in whatever home you live. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18), in this house or the next. Please consider speaking to your pastor, or a bereavement counsellor, about the nights. You do not have to carry this alone.
Reader letters may be edited for length and clarity, and names and identifying details are changed.
This article is general information only and is not financial, legal, tax or other professional advice. Please speak to a qualified professional about your own circumstances.
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