Baby Number Three Is Coming. He Wants to Build Out the Back; I Want a New Neighbourhood

A reader writes:

My husband and I have been married nine years and we have never fought about money the way we are fighting now. We live in a three-bedroom semi in Brampton that we bought just before our first child was born. We now have two girls, seven and four, sharing a room, and I am five months pregnant with a boy. Our third bedroom is my husband’s office because he works from home three days a week.

He wants to stay and extend. There is space at the back, and he has already sketched an addition with a family room downstairs and a bedroom above. He says we love the street, the girls’ school is five minutes’ walk, our neighbours watch out for us and we have a fixed mortgage rate we will never see again. He says moving is just paying agents and lawyers and taxes for nothing.

I want to move. I grew up in Montego Bay with a yard and I want the children to have one bigger than a postage stamp. I am also terrified of living through construction with a newborn. My sister did a renovation and it took twice as long as they said, and she lived with dust and a plastic sheet for a kitchen for months. I have looked at listings twenty minutes further out where we could get a detached house with a real yard and four bedrooms for what feels like not much more.

We both pray about it. We both think God is on our side, which I know is not a good sign. How do couples decide this without one of them feeling steamrolled?

— Tanisha, Brampton

Our response

Tanisha, congratulations on the baby. And thank you for the honesty of that last line. When both spouses are sure God agrees with them, it is often a sign that they need to slow down and listen, to each other as much as to Him.

Both of you have good reasons. His are about stability, community and cost. Yours are about space, a childhood you value and the very real strain of building with a newborn. Neither is selfish. The goal is to compare the two paths on the same terms, with real numbers and real timelines, so that the decision is made on facts rather than who argues more persuasively.

Put real figures on both options

• Extending: ask an architect or designer whether his sketch is feasible and what approvals your municipality would require. Get at least two builder estimates, and add a contingency. Ask how you would finance it and what that does to your monthly payments.
• Moving: ask a realtor for a realistic value of your home, then add the costs of selling, buying, legal fees, any land transfer tax, moving and setting up a new house. Ask your mortgage broker or lender what happens to your current rate if you move, and what a new mortgage would cost.

Only when both totals are on the table will you know whether a detached house really costs “not much more”.

Compare the things money cannot measure

List together what each option gives up and gains: the school, the neighbours, the commute, the yard, the church, how far you would be from family help after the birth. Consider asking each other, “What would you most grieve losing?” You might find more common ground than you think.

Think about timing

Your fear of building with a newborn is reasonable. If you extend, could it wait until the baby is older, with a short-term rearrangement in the meantime? Could his office move to a corner of the basement or living room for a season? If you move, could it be done before the birth, or would that be too much at once? Neither of you has to act this year.

Decide how you will decide

Some couples agree a date by which they will choose, after gathering information, so the argument does not become a permanent fixture. Some bring in a trusted older couple or pastor, not to decide for them but to help them hear each other. Paul’s words about submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21) apply to extensions and mortgages too.

Whichever way you go, the house will matter less to your children than the peace between their parents. Aim for a decision you can both own.

This article is general information only and is not financial, legal, tax or other professional advice. Please speak to a qualified professional about your own circumstances.

Reader letters may be edited for length and clarity, and names and identifying details are changed.

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