He Says a Lodger in the Spare Room Means We Could Never Quarrel in Our Own Kitchen Again

A reader writes:

My husband and I have been married eleven years and have lived in our house in Portmore for six. It has three bedrooms. Our daughter has one, we have one, and the third is what my husband calls his “office”, which in practice means an ironing board, a treadmill nobody uses and a desk he sits at maybe twice a month.

Since my hours were cut at the start of the year we have been behind. Not drowning, but we haven’t put a dollar into savings since March and the car needs tyres. A lady at work rents a room in her house to a young nurse from the country and says it more than covers her insurance. I keep thinking we could do the same. There is a bathroom right beside that room which our daughter hardly uses, because for some reason she prefers ours.

When I raised it, my husband went quiet and then said no. When I pushed, he said the house is the one place in the world he can take off his shoes and be himself, and he is not sharing it with a stranger. He said we would have to whisper when we quarrel. He said, “And what about when you’re walking round in your nightie?” Then he told me he grew up with lodgers in his mother’s house and hated every one of them. In eleven years he had never mentioned that.

I understand some of it. But I also feel he is choosing his comfort over our finances, and I am the one lying awake doing the sums. I have started to resent that treadmill.

Am I wrong to keep pushing? Is there a way to make this work for both of us, or should I let it go?

— Tanisha, St Catherine

Our response

Thank you for writing so honestly, Tanisha. It may help to see that neither of you is being unreasonable. You are protecting the household’s future. Your husband is protecting its peace. Both matter, and a good decision will take both seriously.

Start with his story, not your plan. The most important line in your letter may be the one about his mother’s lodgers. A childhood of sharing a bathroom with strangers, or watching his mother tiptoe in her own house, can leave a strong feeling that has little to do with arithmetic. Before discussing the room again, ask him what it was like. Listen without making your case. Scripture’s counsel to “look out not only for [your] own interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4) cuts both ways here, and it is easier to ask of him once he feels heard.

Then put the numbers on the table together. Write down the actual monthly shortfall and every way it might be closed: trimming spending, selling things you don’t use (that treadmill), extra work, or a lodger. Be realistic about what a lodger would bring in after extra water, electricity, wear and tear, and any tax on the income. Sometimes the gap turns out smaller than it feels at 2am. Sometimes it is larger, and seeing it in black and white changes his mind.

Look for a middle way. If he is open to discussion, some options couples consider are:

• A trial with a clear end date, agreed in advance, after which either of you can say “no more” without argument.
• A lodger who is away a good deal, such as someone who works shifts or goes home at weekends.
• House rules settled before anyone moves in: kitchen hours, visitors, the shared bathroom, quiet times.
• Giving him a real say in who is chosen, and a veto.

Think about your daughter. Bringing an adult you don’t know into a home with a child calls for careful screening, proper references and her comfort being taken seriously. Ask her how she would feel too.

Check the practical side before you advertise. Speak to your mortgage lender and your home insurer, since some policies and loans have conditions about letting part of a home. An attorney-at-law can explain what kind of arrangement a room let creates where you live and help you put a clear written agreement in place. Ask an accountant or the tax authority whether the income needs to be declared.

If you still can’t agree, it may be wise to let it rest for a season rather than win. A lodger brought in over a spouse’s real objection would likely cost more in the marriage than it earns. A trusted pastor or counsellor can help you talk it through if the conversation keeps getting stuck. The resentment you mention, about the treadmill and the sums, deserves attention in its own right. Say it to him plainly, and pray about it together, before it hardens.

This article is general information only and is not financial, legal, tax or other professional advice. Please speak to a qualified professional about your own circumstances.

Reader letters may be edited for length and clarity, and names and identifying details are changed.

Follow Jamaica Homes on Youtube @jamaicahomes and Instagram @jamaica_homes and on Facebook @jamaicahomesnews Send us a message or email us at onlinefeedback@jamaica-homes.com or editor@jamaica-homes.com