A reader writes:
I am 34, and in March I got engaged to a wonderful man. We met at church two years ago. He is kind, he works hard, and he is a good father to his daughter, who is nine. I have no doubts about him. I have a lot of doubts about the house.
Before we met, he and his daughter’s mother bought a three-bedroom house together in Portmore. They were not married but were together about seven years. Both their names are on the title and on the mortgage. When they split up, she stayed in the house with their daughter and he moved into a flat. He still pays half the mortgage every month because he says he does not want his child to lose her home, and I respect that. But it has been four years.
Every time I bring it up he says, “It will sort itself out.” I don’t see how. She does not have the income to buy him out, and she does not want to sell. He cannot get another mortgage for us while he is on that one, or at least that is what the bank officer told him. Meanwhile we are paying rent on his flat and I am still living with my parents in Spanish Town, saving what I can.
I want to be fair. She is his daughter’s mother, and she has been decent to me. I don’t want to be the new woman who comes in and makes demands. But I also don’t want to get married and find that half of our household money goes to a house I will never live in, with a woman who could decide anything about it. And if something happened to him, God forbid, I don’t even know who would get his share.
My mother says I should just pray and trust. I am praying. I also think we need a plan. How do we even start this conversation, and what are the options?
— Kerry-Ann, St Catherine
Our response
Dear Kerry-Ann, your instinct to pray and plan is exactly right. Faith and prudence are not opposites. Proverbs says, “The prudent considers well his steps” (Proverbs 14:15). You are not being demanding by wanting clarity before marriage. You are trying to protect a new family, and to be fair to an existing one.
“It will sort itself out” is understandable; many people avoid this conversation because it touches old pain. But property arrangements rarely sort themselves out. They tend to get more complicated with time, especially after a new marriage, a death or a change in anyone’s finances.
Starting the conversation
Frame it around shared goals rather than complaints: “I want your daughter to be secure, and I want us to be secure. Can we find out what our real options are?” Suggest that you both meet an attorney-at-law together, before the wedding, so that decisions are based on facts rather than guesses. Premarital counselling through your church may also be a good place to talk this through with a neutral person.
Questions to take to the attorney
- How exactly is the title held, and what happens to his share if he dies?
- What rights, if any, does his former partner have beyond the title, given their past relationship?
- What would marriage change for you, legally, in relation to this house?
- Is there any existing agreement about the house or child support?
Possible options to explore
- A buyout over time. She may not have the money now, but a lender might consider her for a mortgage in her own name, or a family member might help. Some couples agree a staged buyout.
- A sale at an agreed future date, for example when their daughter finishes a certain stage of school, with proceeds shared as agreed.
- A written co-ownership agreement for now, setting out who pays what, who lives there, how improvements are treated and what happens later.
- Separating housing from child support. An attorney can help clarify whether his mortgage payments are counted as support, so that arrangements are fair and recorded.
- Wills for both of you, and ideally for him in relation to his share, so his daughter and you are both considered.
On the question of a new mortgage, speak together to a lender or mortgage adviser. They can tell you how his existing debt affects what you can borrow, and what would need to change.
Keeping everyone’s dignity
His former partner may be worried too: about her home, her daughter’s stability and what his new marriage means for her. If she is approached respectfully, ideally by him and with legal guidance, she may be more open than you expect. Mediation can help if talks become difficult.
You may not be able to solve all of this before the wedding. But you can agree, together, on a direction and a timetable. Starting married life with a plan, rather than a hope, is a gift to both of you and to his daughter.
This article is general information only and is not financial, legal, tax or other professional advice. Please speak to a qualified professional about your own circumstances.
Reader letters may be edited for length and clarity, and names and identifying details are changed.
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