A reader writes:
I have been in Calgary nine years. I work in the oil sector, I have done well, and I have been putting money aside for one thing: to buy my mother and father a proper house. They live in the same place in St Elizabeth where I grew up. Board and block, zinc roof, a pit latrine out back until I paid for an indoor bathroom six years ago. The kitchen floor slopes. When it rains hard the back room floods. Daddy is seventy-eight and has a bad hip. Mummy is seventy-four and still climbs the step to hang out washing.
I found a nice house in Santa Cruz. Three bedrooms, all on one level, concrete, tiled, near the hospital and the market. I showed them photos on video call. My mother said it was lovely. Then she said, “But we are not leaving here, son.” My father did not say anything, which with him means no.
I have asked three more times since. They say the same. They say they are comfortable, they know everybody, the church is walking distance, and my grandparents are buried in the yard. My sister, who lives in Kingston, says leave them alone. My wife thinks I should just buy it and they will come round. I am frustrated, and honestly a bit hurt. I worked hard for this. I lie awake here thinking of Daddy falling in that kitchen and nobody near.
Am I wrong to keep pushing? How do I honour my parents when what they want seems unsafe to me?
— Kemar, Calgary
Our response
Kemar, what you are trying to do is a beautiful thing. Many sons and daughters abroad dream of exactly this, and the love behind it is plain. It is also clear that the gift you are offering is not the gift your parents want. That is painful, but it may point to a better gift.
Hear what the house means to them
To you, the old house is a list of problems. To your parents, it is where they married, raised you, buried their own parents and sat with neighbours for fifty years. The church, the shop, the people who check on them: all of it is within walking distance. A better house in Santa Cruz may still feel, to them, like exile. At their age, familiarity and community are not luxuries. They are part of what keeps people well.
Don’t buy it anyway
We would gently disagree with your wife here. Buying a house they have refused, hoping they will change their minds, risks leaving you with an empty property, a strained relationship and parents who feel their wishes did not count. Honouring your father and mother (Exodus 20:12) includes respecting their right to choose while they are able to.
Make the old house safe instead
Your real worry is safety, and that can often be addressed where they are. Options to explore, with a builder and your parents together:
- Fixing the drainage and the back room flooding.
- Levelling the kitchen floor and adding non-slip surfaces.
- A covered, level area for hanging washing, so there is no step to climb.
- Grab rails in the bathroom, better lighting, a ramp at the door.
- A roof check and repairs before hurricane season.
- A phone they can use easily, and an agreed daily check-in with a neighbour or church member.
If the structure is in poor shape, it may even be possible to rebuild or add a small, safe block on the same land, so they never leave the yard. Before building, confirm whose name the land is in and whether your parents are happy for you to build on it; an attorney-at-law can help set out what you are contributing so that your siblings understand too.
Keep the door open
Tell your parents plainly: “I respect your decision. If you ever want to move, the offer stands.” Circumstances change. After a fall or the loss of a spouse, they may feel differently. You will be ready, and they will know it was their choice. Meanwhile, the money you save can do a great deal of good in the house they love. Your hurt is understandable, but the gift that fits them may be the one that matters most.
This article is general information only and is not financial, legal, tax or other professional advice. Please speak to a qualified professional about your own circumstances.
Reader letters may be edited for length and clarity, and names and identifying details are changed.
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