If you are in danger right now, contact the police or your local emergency number. If you are not sure whether what you are experiencing is abuse, a domestic violence helpline or support service in your country can talk it through with you in confidence.
We talk a great deal on this site about homes: buying them, building them, keeping them. Most of the time the assumption is simple. Home is where you are safe. For some people sitting in our churches every Sunday, that assumption is false. The front door they lock at night keeps the danger in with them.
Domestic abuse happens in Christian households, as it does everywhere. It can be physical, but it can also be threats, constant humiliation, control over who someone sees, or control over money so tight that leaving seems impossible. And one of the most powerful forces keeping people in those homes is not only fear of the abuser. It is the practical question that has no easy answer: where would I go?
Why housing is at the centre
Think about what leaving can involve. A woman whose name is not on the title or the tenancy. A man whose partner controls the bank card. Children in a school ten minutes away. A job reached by one bus route. Furniture, documents, a pet, a mother-in-law who lives in the back room. Leaving is rarely one decision; it is dozens, and many of them are about a roof.
When churches and families respond to abuse only with advice about prayer and patience, they may be missing the thing the person most needs to hear: you will not be on the street if you go.
Listening first
If someone confides in you, the first gift is belief. Resist the urge to defend the other person, to suggest that marriage counselling will fix it, or to quote verses about submission. Many survivors have heard those words before, and they have learned from them that the church is not a safe place to speak.
Scripture is not silent here. The same passage in Ephesians that is sometimes used to silence wives goes on to say, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25, NIV). Love that gives itself up does not use fists or fear. A church that takes this seriously will say clearly that abuse is wrong and that the person being harmed is not to blame.
Practical ways to help
Every situation is different, and specialist services know far more than any well-meaning friend. But there are practical things a church family can do, carefully and with the person’s consent:
- Help them connect with trained support. Domestic violence services, police family units and social services can help with safety planning, protection orders and emergency accommodation. Offer to sit with them while they make the call.
- Keep a safe place for documents. Birth certificates, passports, title papers, school records and bank details are hard to replace. Some people keep copies with a trusted friend.
- Offer short-term shelter only if it is safe. A spare room can be a lifeline, but if the abuser knows where you live, it can also put your household at risk. Talk to a support service about how to do this well.
- Help with the next home. A deposit, a van and two strong men on moving day, a reference for a landlord, an introduction to someone with a flat to rent: these ordinary acts can make a new start possible.
- Protect their privacy. Do not share new addresses, even in prayer requests. Do not post photos of the new home or the children’s new school.
- Help them understand their rights. Questions about the family home, tenancy and children are legal questions. An attorney-at-law or legal aid service can explain the options.
What a church can prepare in advance
Most congregations only think about this after a crisis. A few simple steps, taken calmly and in advance, can make a great difference:
- Keep an up-to-date list of local helplines, shelters and legal aid services, and put it somewhere discreet, such as the back of a toilet door, where people can see it privately.
- Ask a support organisation to train pastors, elders and women’s and men’s leaders in how to respond to a disclosure.
- Consider a small, confidential fund for emergency needs such as a first month’s rent or a lock change.
- Identify members with property, trades or legal skills who would be willing to help quietly when asked.
- Be clear from the pulpit, at least occasionally, that abuse has no place in a Christian home.
Abuse happens to men too
Men who are abused often find it especially hard to speak, fearing ridicule. The same principles apply: belief, safety, practical help and specialist support. A church that makes room for men to say “I am not safe at home” is doing something rare and important.
A different picture of home
The psalmist describes God as “a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble” (Psalm 9:9, NIV). Refuge is a housing word. It means a place to run to. Churches often speak of being that kind of refuge spiritually. For someone living with abuse, it may also need to be literal: a room, a key, a new address, and people who will not ask them to go back.
Nobody should have to choose between their safety and a roof over their head. Families and churches cannot fix everything, but they can make sure that, when someone finally says the words, the answer includes somewhere to go.
This article is general information only and is not financial, legal, tax or other professional advice. Please speak to a qualified professional about your own circumstances.
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