I Lost My Job in March and My Wife Still Thinks the Mortgage Is Being Paid

A reader writes:

I don’t know who else to ask. I can’t ask anyone at church because they all know us.

I was laid off in March when the company restructured. Nineteen years there. I got a small package but not much. I have been going out every morning at the same time in my work shirt, sitting in the library or driving around applying for jobs, and coming home at six. My wife thinks I am still working. She works part-time at the school and she has always left the house money to me.

At first I used the package to keep up the mortgage and told myself something would come through quickly. It didn’t. We are now three payments behind. Letters from the bank are coming and I have been getting to the mailbox first. Last week a man from the bank called my cellphone and I let it go to voicemail. I have not listened to it.

I feel sick all the time. I can’t sleep. I snap at the children. I keep thinking if I can just get a job before she finds out, I can fix it and she never has to know. But I am starting to see that is not going to happen in time.

My father was the man of the house and he never once let my mother worry about money. I feel like I have failed at the one thing I was supposed to do. How do I even begin to tell her? And will the bank take the house?

— R., Portmore

Our response

Dear R., thank you for writing. The fact that you did tells us you already know the secret is doing more harm than the missed payments. Please hear this first: losing a job in a restructuring is not a moral failure. It is something that happened to you. What you do next is what matters, and you still have real options.

Telling your wife

This is the hardest step, and it needs to come first, before the bank, because the two of you will need to face the next months together. A few thoughts:

• Choose a quiet time when the children are out or asleep, not a rushed morning.
• Tell her everything at once: the job, the months, the arrears, the letters. Half-truths now would make the rebuilding harder.
• Own the hiding without drowning in it. Something like: “I was ashamed and scared, and I kept it from you. That was wrong, and I’m sorry. I need us to deal with this together.”
• Expect hurt and possibly anger. She may be more upset by the secrecy than by the money. Let her feel that without defending yourself.
• Bring the letters, unopened if need be, and open them together.

Your father’s example was well meant, but marriage in Scripture is a partnership. “Two are better than one,” says Ecclesiastes, “for if they fall, one will lift up his companion” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). You do not have to carry this by yourself, and you were never meant to.

Contacting the lender

Silence tends to make arrears situations worse. Lenders generally prefer working something out with a borrower who is communicating over starting a recovery process. We cannot tell you what your lender will do, but when you call it is reasonable to ask:

• Exactly how much is owed, including any fees or interest on the arrears.
• What options they offer for borrowers who have lost income, for example a temporary reduced payment, a payment break, adding arrears to the loan or extending the term.
• Whether your mortgage has any payment protection or insurance that might cover unemployment.
• What happens next if an arrangement cannot be reached, and what timeframe you are working with.

Write down the name of everyone you speak to, the date and what was said, and ask for any agreement in writing.

Other steps to take together

• Sit down with every bill and your combined income and build a bare-bones budget for the next three to six months.
• Ask about any support available to people who have been made redundant, including from your former employer, a union or a government programme.
• Consider speaking to an independent financial adviser or a free debt advice service, if one exists where you live, before agreeing to anything long term.
• Widen the job search: short-term contracts, part-time work, or using your nineteen years of experience in a related field.

Finally, look after yourself. Sleepless nights and snapping at the children are signs of a man carrying too much alone. Talk to a pastor you trust, even if it feels exposing, or a counsellor outside your church. If you ever feel that you cannot go on, please reach out to a doctor or a crisis line straight away.

The house may feel like the thing at stake. But what your family needs most right now is you, honest and present. That is something no bank can take.

Reader letters may be edited for length and clarity, and names and identifying details are changed.

This article is general information only and is not financial, legal, tax or other professional advice. Please speak to a qualified professional about your own circumstances.

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