Gran’s House Is Falling Down Around Her, and She Says She Will Die There Before She Leaves

A reader writes:

My grandmother is eighty-eight and lives by herself in the house my grandfather built in the fifties, up in the hills in St Elizabeth. It’s a board house on the front with a block section at the back that was added later. She raised nine children there and more grandchildren than I can count, including me for a few years when my mother first came to Canada.

I went down in the summer and honestly, I was shocked. The verandah floor is soft in two places. There is a hole in the back room ceiling where the zinc has rusted through, and she has a bucket there for when it rains. The kitchen board is so rotten at the bottom you can see daylight. The wiring is the same wiring from when I was a boy, and there is one extension cord running to about six things. She gets around with a stick now and I watched her step over a broken step going down to the yard every morning to feed her chickens. I couldn’t sleep the whole time I was there.

My aunt in Kingston has offered for her to come and live with her. My uncle in Florida says she can come there. We even talked about a nice home for older people near May Pen. She won’t hear any of it. The last time my aunt brought it up, Gran said, “I will die in this house. Your grandfather is buried in that yard. Where am I going?” And then she didn’t speak to my aunt for two weeks.

I understand her, I really do. But I also have this picture in my head of the floor giving way or the wires catching fire one night and nobody finding her until morning. A cousin lives about ten minutes away and checks on her, but he works and he has his own family. The rest of us are scattered. Some of the family think we should just insist, and others think we should leave her alone because it’s her house and her life. I’m stuck in the middle, feeling guilty from Toronto.

Is there something between forcing her out and waiting for a disaster?

— Andre, Toronto

Our response

Andre, there is a lot of love in your letter, both for your grandmother and for the house that shaped your family. Your fear is reasonable. So is her refusal. For many older people, a house built by a spouse and filled with a lifetime of memories is not just shelter; it is identity. Being asked to leave can feel like being asked to disappear.

The good news is that there is almost always a middle path, and it usually begins by shifting the question from “How do we get Gran out?” to “How do we make it safe for Gran to stay, for as long as that is possible?”

Deal with the most dangerous things first

Not every problem is equally urgent. From what you describe, the priorities are probably:

1. Electrical safety. Old wiring and overloaded extension cords are a real fire risk. A licensed electrician should inspect and make it safe.
2. Falls. The soft verandah floor and broken step need fixing, and a handrail on the steps to the yard would help. Clearing clutter and improving lighting also reduce the risk.
3. The roof. A leak over a ceiling can lead to rot and collapse. Patching or replacing the damaged zinc should come next.

Ask a trusted builder or engineer to look at the structure overall and tell you honestly whether the house can be made safe with repairs, or whether parts are beyond saving. That answer will shape everything else.

Involve her in every decision

Present repairs as caring for Grandpa’s house, not as proof that she cannot cope. Ask her what she would like done first. Let her choose colours, say where the rail goes, supervise the workmen. People accept change far more readily when they feel in control of it.

Build a circle of support

• Could the family pool money to pay someone local to visit daily, or stay with her some nights?
• Is there a church, neighbour or community group who could check in as well as your cousin?
• Would she wear a simple alarm or keep a charged phone by her bed?
• Could family members take turns calling at set times, so absence is noticed quickly?

Get the family on one page

Split opinions put pressure on her and on the relatives nearby. A family video call to agree priorities, a budget and who does what can take a great deal of strain off your cousin. It is also a good time to make sure important paperwork is in order: who holds the title, whether she has a will, and whether she has chosen someone she trusts to help with decisions if her health changes. An attorney-at-law can advise.

Know when things must change

There may come a time when staying is truly unsafe: if the structure cannot be saved, or her health changes so she cannot manage even with help. If that day comes, it will be easier if she has been involved all along and knows the family has honoured her wishes as far as possible. Her doctor may be a helpful voice in that conversation.

Scripture tells us to honour our fathers and mothers (Exodus 20:12), and that honour surely extends to grandparents who raised us. Honour does not mean doing nothing, and it does not mean overriding her. It means caring for her safety while respecting her dignity. You are already doing that by asking the question.

This article is general information only and is not financial, legal, tax or other professional advice. Please speak to a qualified professional about your own circumstances.

Reader letters may be edited for length and clarity, and names and identifying details are changed.

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