Our Brother Nursed Mama to the End. Now He Won’t Leave Her House, and the Others Want It Sold

A reader writes:

I am a retired schoolteacher and the second of four children. Our mother passed two years ago this November, at eighty-nine, in the house in St Ann where all of us grew up. Her will, which she made with a lawyer in Ocho Rios many years ago, leaves the house to the four of us in equal shares.

Our youngest brother, Clive, moved back into the house about four years before she died, when her sugar got bad and then her memory started to go. I want to be fair to him. He did what the rest of us did not do. My sister and our eldest brother are in Florida and Maryland and sent money, and I came on weekends, but it was Clive who bathed her, took her to clinic and sat up with her at night at the end. He gave up a job in Kingston to do it. I will always be grateful.

Since she died, Clive has stayed on. He pays nothing towards the house. The property tax was paid by my sister last year. The roof over the back bedroom leaks and he has put a basin under it. He is fifty-eight and does some farming and odd jobs, and I don’t think he has much.

My sister and brother abroad want the house sold. They have their own needs, retirement coming, and they say it is only right that Mama’s estate be settled. They are getting impatient and have started to say hard things about Clive in our family chat. Clive will not discuss it. When I raised it at Christmas he walked out of the kitchen and said, “So after all I did, you want to put me on the road.”

I feel stuck in the middle. I understand both sides. I do not want to lose my brother, and I do not want our mother’s house falling down while we argue. What is the right thing to do here?

— Mrs E. B., St Ann

Our response

Thank you for writing with such fairness towards everyone, including Clive. That fairness may be the most valuable thing your family has right now, and it makes you well placed to help.

Two things are true at once. Clive gave years of care that cost him dearly, and he is grieving in the house where he did it. And your siblings have an equal share in an estate that, two years on, still has not been settled, while the house deteriorates. Neither truth cancels the other. A good outcome will honour both.

Get the legal position clear first

Before any more family conversations, find out where the estate stands. Has the will been proved, and has an executor been appointed or confirmed? Is the title still in your mother’s name? An attorney-at-law, ideally the firm that drew up the will or one experienced in estates, can explain the steps, what the executor’s duties are, and what options exist when co-owners disagree. Knowing the facts takes some of the heat out of the argument.

Put the options on the table

Families in this position have tried several approaches. Some may suit you:

• Sell and recognise the care. The siblings agree, voluntarily, that Clive receives something extra from the proceeds, or that his costs of moving are covered, in acknowledgment of the years he gave.
• A buyout. If Clive, or any of you, could raise the money over time, the others’ shares could be bought out at an agreed valuation.
• A time-limited stay. Clive remains for an agreed period, say while he finds other housing, contributing to taxes and basic repairs, with a written date for a sale.
• Keep it as family property. Less common, but some families agree to keep the house, with clear written arrangements about who lives there, who pays what and what happens later.

Whatever you choose, get a proper valuation and put the agreement in writing through the attorney. Unwritten family arrangements tend to become the next generation’s dispute.

Change how you talk to Clive

He may hear “sell” as “you don’t matter”. Start with what he did, spoken plainly and in front of the others if you can. Ask what he is afraid of. Often the real question is “where will I go?”, and that can be worked on. It may help to meet with a neutral person present, perhaps a pastor your family respects or a trained mediator. And ask your siblings to take the hard words out of the family chat.

Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” You cannot control how Clive or your siblings respond. You can control whether you speak truthfully, kindly and consistently to each of them, and whether you keep pressing gently towards a settlement rather than letting it drift. Meanwhile, perhaps the four of you could at least agree to fix that roof together. Protecting Mama’s house is something everyone can say yes to.

This article is general information only and is not financial, legal, tax or other professional advice. Please speak to a qualified professional about your own circumstances.

Reader letters may be edited for length and clarity, and names and identifying details are changed.

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