His Mother Says Buy Now, My Pastor Says Wait: We’re Engaged and Only He Is Working

A reader writes:

My fiancé and I are getting married next April. We have been together five years and we are both 27. He works at a shipping agency in Kingston and has been there long enough to be permanent. I finished my degree last year and did a contract at a call centre, but the contract ended in June and I have been applying everywhere since. I do some hair on weekends but it is not what you would call an income.

Here is the problem. His mother is a very practical woman and she keeps saying that we should not waste money renting after the wedding. She says he qualifies for a mortgage now on his own salary, there is a two-bedroom in a new scheme near her that is within reach, and if we wait for me to find work the prices will just go up. She has offered to help with part of the deposit. My fiancé is leaning towards it. He says it is just being responsible.

Our pastor, when we mentioned it in marriage counselling, went quiet and then said we should take our time, that a wedding and a mortgage in the same year is a lot of pressure, and that we should not start married life with one person carrying everything. I did not say it in the session, but I also wondered: if the house is bought before we are married and only his name is on it, where does that leave me? I feel bad even thinking it because I trust him. But I have seen what happened to my aunt.

I don’t want to look ungrateful to his mother, and I don’t want to be the reason we lose a good opportunity. But I also feel like I am being carried into a decision while I am at my lowest. Are we foolish to wait? Are we foolish not to?

— Shanique, St Andrew

Our response

Shanique, you are not foolish either way, and you are certainly not ungrateful. You are asking the questions that should be asked before any couple signs for a house, and the fact that you feel carried along is itself worth listening to. A good decision is one you both understand and both own.

It may help to separate three questions that are tangled together.

1. Can one salary carry this safely?

A lender approving him is not the same as the budget being comfortable. Sit down together and write out the likely mortgage payment, insurance, property tax, maintenance fees in the scheme, utilities, transport and food, then ask: could we live on his income alone for a year or two, and still save? Also ask what happens if his hours are cut or he falls ill. If the answer is “only if nothing goes wrong”, that is important information.

2. Whose house would it be?

Your worry is sensible, not disloyal. How property bought before marriage is treated, and what rights a spouse gains later, differs from country to country and can depend on how the title is held and who contributed what. Before anything is signed, see an attorney-at-law together and ask plainly: whose name will be on the title, can both names be on it, what are the differences between the ways joint owners can hold property, and what happens to each of us if the marriage ends or one of us dies? A family contribution to the deposit should also be written down, including whether it is a gift or a loan and to whom.

3. What is the real cost of waiting?

No one can promise prices will rise or fall. Waiting a year while you find work would let you apply with two incomes, possibly borrow on better terms, and build savings for the costs nobody mentions: legal fees, furniture, the first repairs. Renting for a season is not wasted money if it buys you stability and time.

Some middle paths

• Keep saving towards the deposit now, but agree to revisit the purchase once you have been in work for a set number of months.
• Ask the developer how long units in that scheme are likely to remain available, and whether there are later phases.
• If you do go ahead, make sure the legal ownership arrangements are settled first, and that there is an emergency fund before the keys are handed over.
• Take a pared-back wedding budget seriously; every dollar saved there is a dollar towards the home.

Your pastor’s instinct is worth heeding in one respect especially: this should be a decision the two of you reach together, not one made for you by any parent, however loving. Genesis speaks of a man leaving his father and mother and holding fast to his wife (Genesis 2:24). That leaving includes learning to make the big choices as a couple. Thank his mother warmly, and then take the questions away, just the two of you, with a mortgage adviser and an attorney. If you both come back saying yes with clear eyes, go ahead in peace. If either of you still feels pushed, that is reason enough to wait.

This article is general information only and is not financial, legal, tax or other professional advice. Please speak to a qualified professional about your own circumstances.

Reader letters may be edited for length and clarity, and names and identifying details are changed.

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