A reader writes:
My husband Garfield is a good man and a hard worker. Two years ago we bought a small house that needs a lot of work, and he decided he would do most of it himself to save money. He is not a builder. He works in a warehouse. But he watches videos, his uncle was a mason, and he is clever with his hands.
Every Saturday, and a lot of Sundays after church, he is out there. He has re-tiled the bathroom, rebuilt the back steps and is now putting a new roof on the kitchen extension. He goes up the ladder by himself, with no harness, and walks on the sheets like they are the ground. Last month he was doing some electrical work in the extension and got a shock that threw him back against the wall. He laughed it off. I did not laugh.
I am proud of him, I truly am. The bathroom looks beautiful. But I am frightened every weekend. If he falls, we have two children under seven and one wage. And even if he does not fall, I feel like I have lost my husband to this house. The children barely see him. He is exhausted on Mondays. When I bring it up he says I don’t appreciate what he is doing for us, and that we can’t afford to pay someone.
I don’t want to nag him or make him feel small. How do I talk to him about this without starting a war?
— Nadine, Old Harbour
Our response
Dear Nadine, your letter is full of love, both for Garfield and for your family, and your concern is well founded. It sounds as though he is working this hard because he loves you too. That shared love is the ground to stand on when you talk.
Start with appreciation, then name the fear
Men who pour themselves into providing can hear any concern as criticism. Try beginning with specific thanks: the bathroom, the steps, what it means to you. Then speak about your fear rather than his choices. “When I see you on the roof with nothing holding you, I am terrified of losing you” lands very differently from “You’re being careless.” Choose a calm moment, not a Saturday afternoon when he is covered in dust.
Separate the jobs
Not all DIY carries the same risk. It may help to sit down together and sort the remaining work into groups:
- Jobs he can safely do himself: painting, tiling, simple carpentry, fitting fixtures.
- Jobs he can do with proper equipment and a helper: work at height, heavy lifting. A harness or roof anchor, a sound ladder that is tied off, and someone on the ground are basic safety measures, not luxuries.
- Jobs that need a qualified professional: electrical work in particular, and anything structural, such as roofs, load-bearing walls or foundations. Depending on where you live, some of this may also need approval or inspection. A shock that throws a man across a room is a sign that something in that circuit is wrong and should be checked by a licensed electrician before anyone touches it again.
Framing it this way is not saying he cannot do anything. It is saying his skill is best spent where the risk is manageable.
Look again at the money
Garfield is right that professional labour costs money. But it is worth adding up honestly what a serious injury would cost: lost wages, medical bills, and the work still unfinished. Some families find a middle path, paying a professional for the riskiest parts while doing the rest themselves, or paying a tradesperson to work alongside them for a day to teach and check. You might also look at whether the project can be slowed down, so that it is spread over more months and fewer weekends.
Protect family time on purpose
Consider agreeing a simple rule together: for example, one weekend day a month is completely free of building work, or Sunday afternoons are for family. Children remember a father who played cricket in the yard more than they remember when the kitchen roof went on. Scripture’s rhythm of Sabbath rest was given partly to protect people from their own tendency to keep working. “Unless the Lord builds the house” is familiar, but the same psalm reminds us that God gives His beloved rest (Psalm 127:2).
If you get stuck
If the conversation keeps turning into an argument, a trusted older man from church, perhaps someone who has built a house himself, may be able to say things that Garfield can hear more easily from a peer. A pastor or couples’ counsellor can also help you both talk about the deeper pressures that may be driving him.
Garfield is building a home for you. Your task together is to make sure he is still there to live in it.
Reader letters may be edited for length and clarity, and names and identifying details are changed.
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