A landlady has a tenant who is three months behind. She has every right, she believes, to serve notice. Her own mortgage does not stop because the rent does. Her friends tell her she is too soft. And yet something makes her hesitate. She remembers a year, long ago, when she herself could not pay, and a man at the building society who gave her time she had not earned.
Many of us, at some point, hold power over another person’s home or security. Landlords over tenants. Parents over adult children still living under their roof. An older sibling managing family land. A church treasurer deciding whether to help a member with arrears. And when the other person falls short, we face the same question: how hard should I come down?
What leads to repentance
Paul asks a searching question in his letter to the Romans: “Or do you despise the riches of His goodness, forbearance, and longsuffering, not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance?” (Romans 2:4, NKJV).
We tend to assume that people change when they are made to face consequences. Show them how bad things are, threaten them properly, and they will fall into line. Sometimes consequences do wake people up. But Paul says that God’s primary way of drawing us to repentance is kindness. God is patient. He holds back much of what we deserve. He waits, again and again, for us to notice His goodness and turn.
Forbearance is an old-fashioned word, but it describes something precise: the choice to hold back a consequence you could rightly impose. It is not ignorance of the wrong. It is patience in the face of it.
A judgment turned back on us
The context of Romans 2 is sobering. Paul has just described the sins of the world, and the reader is probably nodding along. Then he turns: “you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself” (Romans 2:1, NKJV). The person quick to condemn others has forgotten how much forbearance they have received themselves.
That is a helpful mirror for anyone holding keys to someone else’s home. Before deciding how to respond to the tenant, the grown son who has not contributed for months, or the cousin who has let the family house fall into disrepair, it is worth asking: how much patience has God shown me? How many of my own debts, literal and otherwise, has He held back?
What forbearance looks like in practice
Forbearance is not the same as having no boundaries. God’s patience has a purpose: it leads to repentance. In the same way, our patience with others should create room for them to change, not simply allow harm to continue indefinitely. Some practical expressions:
- Talk before you act. Sit down with the tenant or family member and ask what is going on. Job loss, illness and family crises are common reasons for arrears.
- Offer a realistic plan. A payment arrangement over several months, written down and agreed by both sides, often achieves more than a notice.
- Separate the person from the problem. You can be firm about the debt while being kind to the debtor.
- Point them to help. A debt adviser, a church benevolence fund, a relative who might assist.
- Be honest about limits. If you cannot afford to wait any longer, say so clearly and early, and follow proper legal process rather than locking doors or cutting off water.
For parents with adult children at home
Some of the hardest forbearance happens between parents and grown children. A son who drifts, contributes nothing and treats the house like a hotel. A daughter who has come home after a failed relationship and seems to have stopped trying. Parents swing between anger and guilt.
Kindness here may look like clear, gentle expectations rather than constant nagging or sudden ultimatums. It may look like recognising how ashamed the young person already feels. The father in the parable of the lost son did not go chasing after the boy with threats. He waited and watched the road (Luke 15:20). His kindness was what the son remembered when he finally came to his senses.
Bearing some of the cost
Forbearance usually costs the one who shows it. The landlady who waits loses income. The parent who is patient absorbs frustration. That is what makes it an echo of the gospel. God did not only hold back our consequences; in Christ, He bore them. We are never asked to carry that much. But when we accept a little cost for the sake of someone else’s chance to change, we are reflecting something of His character.
For reflection
- Who, in your life, holds a debt or a failing that you have power to act on? What would kindness look like in this situation?
- When has someone’s patience with you made you want to do better?
A prayer: Father, thank You for the riches of Your kindness and patience towards me. When I am tempted to come down hard on someone who has fallen short, remind me of all You have held back. Give me wisdom to be both kind and honest, and let my patience make room for change. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
This article is general information only and is not financial, legal, tax or other professional advice. Please speak to a qualified professional about your own circumstances.
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