Somewhere right now, an engaged couple is sitting with two sets of figures. One is the wedding: the venue, the caterer, the dress, the photographer, the cake, the guest list that started at eighty and is now over two hundred because Auntie cannot possibly leave out the church sisters. The other is a savings account, slowly growing towards a deposit on a first home. The two figures are roughly the same size. And they both know, without quite saying it, that they probably cannot have both.
This is not a new dilemma, but it has sharpened. Weddings have become more elaborate, and homes more expensive. Couples feel pressure from every direction: from parents who dreamed of a certain kind of celebration, from friends whose weddings set a standard, from their own longing to mark the day properly. And also from the quieter voice that says: where will we actually live?
A royal wedding song
Psalm 45 is a wedding song written for a king. It is full of splendour: robes scented with myrrh and aloes, palaces of ivory, a bride in gold, a procession with music. There is no embarrassment about celebration here. Scripture is glad when people marry, and a wedding feast is one of the Bible’s favourite pictures of the joy of God’s kingdom.
But at the centre of the psalm is a line about something deeper than pageantry. Of the king it says: “You love righteousness and hate wickedness; therefore God, Your God, has anointed You with the oil of gladness more than Your companions” (Psalm 45:7, NKJV). The letter to the Hebrews later applies these words to Christ (Hebrews 1:8-9). The king’s joy is not first of all about the ceremony. It flows from his character and from God’s anointing.
The psalm also looks forward. Near the end it speaks of the couple’s children and of the king’s name being remembered in all generations (Psalm 45:16-17). The wedding is not the destination. It is the doorway into a household, a family, a future.
Two kinds of joy
There is the joy of the day, and there is the joy of the years. Both are good. The trouble comes when the first is allowed to crowd out the second.
Consider two couples. The first spends almost everything on a lavish celebration, perhaps with a loan on top. The photographs are beautiful. Then they move into a room in a parent’s house, or a rented flat that takes half their income, and spend the first years of marriage paying off the wedding while the deposit fund sits at zero. The stress shows up in their conversations about money, which become arguments.
The second couple has a small wedding: the ceremony in their church, food cooked by family in a relative’s yard, a borrowed dress altered to fit, a friend with a good camera. Some relatives grumble. But within two years, the couple have the keys to a modest home. Every time they pay the mortgage, they are building something together.
Neither couple is more spiritual than the other, and there are many ways between these two extremes. But it is worth asking which kind of joy you most want to invest in.
The family’s expectations
In many Caribbean families, a wedding is not just the couple’s day. It belongs to parents, grandparents, the church and the district. A mother may have been planning her daughter’s wedding for twenty years. A father may feel that a small ceremony reflects badly on him. These feelings deserve respect.
It can help to explain the choice in terms families understand. Most parents want to see their children settled and secure. Saying “we want to put the money towards a home so we can start well” is often more persuasive than simply cutting the guest list. And families who can help financially may be glad to know exactly what their gift will go towards.
Planning together
For couples weighing the choice, a few questions may help:
- What, for each of us, would make the day feel meaningful? Often it is a few specific things, not the whole package.
- What would a realistic deposit look like, and how long would it take to save with and without a large wedding?
- Are we willing to start marriage in debt? If so, for what?
- Who can we speak to, perhaps an older married couple, a pastor or a financial adviser, about the choice?
- How will we answer relatives who are disappointed, kindly and together?
Talking through these questions is itself good preparation for marriage. Money decisions do not stop after the wedding. Couples who learn early to plan together, compromise and agree on what matters most are building something more important than any house.
The oil of gladness
The joy Psalm 45 describes does not come from the ivory palaces. It comes from God, and it rests on a king who loves what is right. For a married couple, that same joy can fill a rented room or a first small house just as well as a reception hall. It grows through faithfulness, shared prayer, honest money conversations and kindness when the pipe bursts at midnight.
Celebrate the wedding, by all means, and celebrate it gladly. But plan for the marriage. The day will be over by midnight. The home you build together, and the joy you find in it, can last the rest of your lives.
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